Hi we only just met and I'm going to jump in at the deep end...
Only 2 days ago I published my first post on this new shiny blog, and now I'm going to share with you one of my deepest darkest secrets.
( Trigger warning - I will be discussing mental health and self harm - graphically and all that goes along with it)
( Trigger warning - I will be discussing mental health and self harm - graphically and all that goes along with it)
That's the whole point in this though, it shouldn't need to be a deep dark secret, locked away and hidden, we all need to talk.
Time to change is an anti stigma campaign run by leading mental health charities Mind and Rethink Mental Illness, their aim is to end the discrimination that surrounds mental health in England. Today Thursday 6th February they are holding their first ever Time to Talk Day. The idea behind this is that this is 24 hours in which to start conversations about mental health, raise awareness and share the message that mental health is nothing to be ashamed of and neither is talking about it.
So I am going to tell you my story.... because I'm not going to be ashamed, and sometimes we all just need to know were not alone in this...
I was a pretty normal kid, except when it came to going to school, especially after holidays, or being off ill. I know everyone hates going to school, daft thing is I loved it when I was there I wasn't bullied or anything like that, I did well in school I was quite bright even if I do say so myself :P . Yet I was dragged there kicking and screaming it started off just after holidays, then Monday mornings. Normal when your 5 or 6... but I didn't grow out of it 13, 14, 15, it was turning into pretty much an every day occurrence. They didn't know what to do with me. I was quiet, well behaved, wasn't bullied, got along with everyone, I did my work, and I got good grades, yet still just the thought of going to school filled me with fear. An irrational all encompassing fear. I couldn't then and I can't now tell you what it was that caused the problem. When I was 19 a college councillor guessed that maybe I had a school phobia but I don't think I'll ever know...I turn 25 this year and even now just thinking about it is making my heart race and my palms sweat.
I wish I could say that was the end of it, but alas no, when I was about 13 I developed major depression. It came and went a little but I would say I was in the depths of it until I was 18 probably 19 if I'm being honest. The term depression is over used nowadays, people often use the expression "I feel depressed" when they are just feeling a bit lousy. Depression is the presence of a number of symptoms, I believe 5 or more symptoms from a long list, every day for two weeks or more. (forgive me if that's wrong it's been quite a few years since I studied depression specifically). A few of the symptoms I experienced, from the list given on the Mind.
- low spirited for much of the time, every day
- feel numb, empty, and full of despair
- feel isolated and unable to relate to other people
- not doing activities I usually enjoy - and finding no pleasure in them
- cut myself off from others and can't ask for help
- self-harming
- difficult to concentrate or make decisions
- thinking about suicide
- change in eating patterns
- sleeping much more than usual
- physical aches and pains with no obvious physical cause
"At its most severe, major depression (clinical depression) can be life-threatening, because it can make you feel suicidal or simply give up the will to live." (Mind.org.uk)
I self harmed a lot, and not that they go hand in hand as most people think but I was suicidal, I attempted suicide three times before I was 18. It's like everything in the world is in shadow and has a big weight rested on top of it.
Due to family stuff... I never got professional help, I wish I had, I wish I had when it was first offered to me when I was 15, I can only imagine what being a teenager without depression might have been like. I can honestly say even now that that is my only regret in life. My depression didn't just effect me but everyone around me. My family, my friends, my grades, and thus in a way my future. If you feel any of the symptoms I listed or from the further list on Mind.org.uk please just talk to someone. Get help.
This is what this is all about making people feel that they can speak out, that they wont be discriminated against because of it. The fact that I had depression doesn't change who I am, doesn't make me less of a person, in fact it makes me a better person, it has shaped who I am and will continue to and I'm not ashamed of that.
I have spoken about my depression a lot in the past tense, but it hasn't gone away, I'm not magically cured. There will always be this black cloud in the back of my mind that I have to keep fighting off. I'm not scared of spiders or heights, or the dark... I'm scared of that black cloud, and it's constant threat. There are always days it feels closer, days that just suck! Even the occasional crazy thought that I'm sure most people never think, like, ooh that's a sharp knife and remembering how it used to be my way of finding calm and release, or even the crazy thoughts like you could drive off that cliff, it lingers just a moment too long where I seriously consider it, even on the best of days days where the black cloud is far away, and I don't think any of that will ever go away completely.
One in Four people will experience some kind of mental health problem in the course of a year...
Mental health problems can effect anyone, any age, any race, any background. Your never too old, or too young, too rich, or too poor. At 13 I had nothing I should have been worried about, I had everything any 13 year old girl could want and yet I still got depression. In this day and age we have no reason to have these stigmas surrounding mental health, we have no excuse to discriminate. People shouldn't feel ashamed or that they have to hide these things. We need to speak out and talk about mental health more often and more openly, so people can feel included in life, and free to get help. Most people are like I was too scared to tell anyone, too scared to speak to a doctor. No one should feel that way. No one should feel alone.
I started this feeling like it was impossible to write. I reach the end feeling liberated... I have mentally just burnt my bra! I hope that more people are able to speak up, let their story known, get help, or simply to help a friend. Time to talk isn't just about people with mental health problems, but it's also about letting friends and family know that your there for them, that you support them. That they can talk too...
Charlotte
Charlotte
x
Someone very kindly pointed out this video to me made by the World Health Organisation about depression, it explains it excellently...
